The View from Behind

 The view from behind. 

    I love taking pics from my perspective on our trips. This year my view changed. Brad leads us in crowds, through cities and as a family. We have this larger than life man walking up front carving a path.  The safest place to be in behind his massive shoulders. When Turner and Tate grew too big to carry it was natural to put them behind Brad and take the caboose position. He leads, I keep my eyes on his shoulders and guard the two in between us. 

      Getting to know Turner and Tate as adults is one of the biggest pleasures of my life. They are both so intelligent, athletic, caring and each have their own brands of humor that impress and delight  me. 

       Tate is joy personified. She’s light and fun, always moving and dancing. Her sense of humor and ability to captivate with her charm will serve her well.  She’s beautiful with out a stitch of makeup, silly and to many people’s surprise is an academic powerhouse.  Listening to her practice her Spanish, how she’s been an interpreter for me has made my heart flutter.  She is the kind of confident I wish I could be.  Her heart is so big and her eyes don’t see people’s weaknesses. Tate lives up to being my bringer of joy.  Earlier this year when a panic attack hit me so hard that I couldn’t move or speak she reacted as an adult.  My tiny daughter held my hand and talked to me until I could get my breathing and heart rate under control.  It was the first time I had to lean on her as an equal and she was beyond gracious and caring.  She was cool, calm and collected. I saw her in the future that she has planed in that moment.  She embodied all the traits that will make her successful as a medical practitioner one day. 

     This is the trip that my position in line changed. Instead of grouping Turner in the middle, my six foot tall, almost grown man of a son gently placed his hand on my back and moved me to the middle.  I looked up at him and said OK I trust you.  It’s not just walking in a different order, it was him growing into the man he is meant to be. He has moved me to the inside of the sidewalk away from traffic, kept watchful eyes on his sister and I.  Turner works alongside Brad as a powerful sentinel guarding our little family in crowds, emergencies or just daily life.  I placed my hand on the crook of my baby boy’s arm and let him step into the space I usually hold as protector.  Turner is adventurous in a way that few people can be. To truly experience life you have to have an assured nature. I get lost in my own anxiety and worries. My son knows his abilities, works on himself tirelessly to become the most powerful version of himself he can be. His energy is so much like his father’s.  Quiet power, a depth of understanding of his surroundings and ability to read a room that makes everyone around him feel more at ease.  His focus and intensity on his goals makes my heart swell. 

       Being mindful, going to therapy to help me get out of my head and into my life gave me the gift of seeing the moment our positions in line changed.  It wasn’t a simple rearranging, it was allowing my son to step up into being a young man.  I’ve been overwhelmed and awed by how loved I feel by my husband and kids. I didn’t know that many survivors of sexual abuse/assault also struggle with feeling connected.  I internalized that what happened to me was bad, therefore I must be bad.  I’ve always felt like a fraud or fake.  I woke up every day thinking that Brad would figure it out. Surely he would know I was a bad person because I felt bad and empty on the inside.  I’ve worried that I would ruin my kids from the minute I knew I was pregnant with them. I read every parenting book I could, I wanted to do right by them.  I’ve failed all three in many ways over the years. I tried to be a good mom while being in internal chaos. I drank too long and far too much in hopes of quieting the ghosts that walk through my mind daily.  I’ve had an incredibly quick temper,  been a perfectionist and unable to relax even at home.  I went to therapy as a last ditch effort to get some relief from myself.  I didn’t know that I would end up opening up to my family. I thought by pretending I was perfect that I was protecting them, instead I was keeping them at arms length. I didn’t know that by keeping my past and my struggles bottled up I was also keeping myself from being able to take in the love they have always offered me. 

      I cried early this morning in our hotel room. Brad and I were quietly talking about how amazing yesterday was with the kids and all the adventures.  I told him this is the best trip of my life.  I let go of controlling every aspect. I was up front with all of them about the triggers I have in crowds and unfamiliar surroundings.  It wasn’t a weight for them to carry like I always believed it would be.  They acknowledged my worries, assured me that we are all here to keep each other safe and have helped  me enjoy the trip right along side them.  I was IN every moment yesterday, not in my head. I told Brad this morning that I don’t know why sharing with them made it possible to receive their love and finally feel it in my heart.  He said it’s because I no longer have to work so hard to put up a false front of perfection or confidence. My family knows me and loves me anyway.  All of my darkest secrets that I have judged and blamed myself for lost all their power when brought into the light of love. 

      I have to write it all down to fully understand and process it. I share my healing journey because others who shared theirs gave me hope until I was ready to start the work for myself.  I’m learning that sharing your struggles doesn’t mean that you are going to cause the same hurt you are feeling to the ones you love.  For me, it’s let me be a much more honest and vulnerable person.  The love I now take in and deeply feel was always there.  I was unable to access it while I was lost in shame and guilt.   Therapy helped me let go of the shame and know that I wasn’t guilty for what happened.  Now I feel the love I always hoped for. 

    If you or someone you love is suffering from the after effects of sexual abuse or assault please visit The Younique Foundation page to find resources to help start your healing journey.  If you survived, the worst is over now it’s tome to start living.  Life can be so beautiful, I know you can’t imagine it yet. Borrow my belief that you can heal- I know it’s possible because I’m living  proof.