Now it’s real

 Trigger Warning- Sexual Assault. 

***This is really personal but I NEEDED to know how other survivors live and cope. So here’s how I stayed alive and came back into my body and right mind this morning. If you are a survivor reading this, you are not alone and with help life can get so much better. If you need help on where to find support message me. I can try to help point you in a safe direction ***

      Today’s work out challenged me more mentally than anything.  I was laying on a bench doing dumbbell pullovers. Nothing fancy. I had 30 pounds over head and two men walked up about 4 feet away from my toes. Talking, loud deep voices- just normal gym stuff. They didn’t disrespect my personal space at all. To any onlooker it was just a normal morning. 

     Laying down on the bench I froze, completely paralyzed. I couldn’t move the weight. I couldn’t set the dumbbell down. The sides of my vision started closing in and going black. I knew I was starting to panic. Shallow breath and my heart sent sparks of terror through my body. I was trapped and unable to help myself sit up. 

        The thing about “dealing with” your trauma is that you fully know and understand what you’ve lived through. This feeling has happened in almost every gym I’ve gone to. Any time I’m laying down and feel vulnerable. If I hear or see a strange male in my periphery, if they  walk too close,  I am sent into internal chaos.  My mind shapes present day into the scene I floated above, detached from my body while two men assaulted me. 

        Before getting help to recognize the signs of a flashback I would start to feel all of this and launch into fight or flight. I’ve walked out of gyms mid workout, doubled the weight I was lifting in hopes of feeling stronger or bitten someone’s head off for literally nothing.  Never understanding why I had a sudden wash of panic. Blamed myself for just being weak and crazy, then had to fight through the confusion the rest of the day. The gym is supposed to be my happy place but I’ve spent a fair amount of time running away from shadows of things that happened a long time ago all while trying to workout. 

    Now with a LOT of help I’m learning to slow my mind down and notice when these pictures and anxiety take over. I looked for Papa and mouthed the words “I’m not ok.”  I wish I could have just set the weight down and acted normal.  He didn’t embarrass me. Didn’t make me feel stupid, which is what I fear when I reach out for help. He simply took the weight from my hand so I didn’t drop it on my face. Helped me sit up and asked if we needed to leave. He stayed calm for me when I couldn’t. 

    Instead of completely freezing and going mute I was able talk to him and get grounded. 

I have to talk out loud and tell myself:

“I’m safe now. The room/people around me made me have a sudden memory of the men that raped me.  I lived through that already and it’s over.  It is NOT happening again even though inside my chest and abdomen feel like it is.  This is just stored up fear. It’s not from today. This fear is not from right now. It’s from a long time ago and from horrible people. I didn’t deserve that and I am stronger now. This is a feeling- all feelings have a beginning, middle and end.  I can just take deep breaths and know that I’m here, safe and this will pass. I am ok now. No one is allowed to touch me with out my permission. “

      I may have to walk myself through that speech a couple times but the jolt of adrenaline that makes my heart race and my Apple Watch ask if I’m on a treadmill workout- all that will pass if I allow it. 

     Not dealing with all of this has about killed me.  None of this is easy to share about.  I’ve been told by family that it’s all in the past and I should just forget about it, move on because it was so long ago.  Survivors pretend for years that it didn’t happen. I pretended it didn’t happen for years and I almost lost my life while trying to live in denial. It’s embarrassing, makes me feel so gross and covered in shame. What if someone knows that happened to me? But I own it now. It happened to me, I was raped.  

       I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t go anywhere alone, I wasn’t around strangers, I didn’t break the safety rules, I wasn’t dressed provocative. Even following all the rules we are taught I was still a victim. Not my fault, no longer my shame. 

    I’m effing tough as nails for not dying during a long, violent assault. I’m thankful now that I was able to carry this anxiety and panic for so many years without taking my own life. 

      When I say it has been a struggle, it has been greater than any obstacle I could imagine to just keep living while trying to “look happy” on the outside. I can’t force the happy facade anymore. Now I simply deal with what each day brings.  Some are wonderful and calm, some are frustrating, some days are just days and that’s OK too. 

    Now I see the panic for what it is, allow it and know there can be peace and safety on the other side. I have reactions in other places that are more tied to my childhood events and those are harder to control for right now.  But it’s the same process- notice the fear, ask what sparked it, talk myself through the panic and know that I’m grown and able to protect myself and my children. 

Healing is messy. It’s painful. It’s so hard...... but there is a comfort and peace that washes over me after the panic drains out. If I stand in the fear and allow it, then powerful gratitude washes over me.  Now I can see all my blessings  as the cloud of fear evaporates. I can take a deep breath and feel Brad’s  hand on my back. I know that he loves me now. Fear kept me from being able to feel any emotion for a long time. Healing means dealing with all the bad emotions so love can finally get into my hardened heart. 

      Still navigating what is and is not ok to share. I won’t carry this shame anymore. I will speak up as a survivor. If it’s offensive, scroll on.  If this is something you are dealing with I’m sharing so it becomes easier for all of us. - 1 out of every 4 women in the United States will be sexually assaulted by the age of 18. Many, like me, will survive childhood sexual abuse and assaults as an adult. I speak up to bring awareness. I speak up to throw hope out there- healing does actually happen. If life is really, really hard right now it’s time to look for help. 

      You don’t have to carry this kind of shit alone. It’s shit, literal shit that you can deal with and then quit carrying.  Walking, talking, living with out that heavy burden is possible.