Making muffins

         If you had ever told me that I would sit in my kitchen on a Monday morning crying and full of gratitude I would never have believed you.   Monday’s were always just the start of the next week. Hopeful but with pressure for perfection. If I only cleaned enough, cooked enough, overworked myself to prove to my family that I deserved their love…….. then it could be a good week.  My happiness depended on total perfection, otherwise I didn’t do enough to be loveable. 

      Today I sit after cooking the weeks’ breakfasts but it’s different.  I enjoyed cooking and and packing up  Brad’s  food because I focused on how much he loves me while preparing it. 

      I loved mixing up muffins to bake for our kids. I smiled and thought of what an amazing cook my mother in law is. She bakes these muffins for my kids when we visit, they like them just like Brad did when he was little. She cares for our kids and that love has flowed all the way across decades and miles.  I enjoyed cooking because a really good mom showed me how to turn breakfast into an expression of care. Thank you Mrs Kathy for all of your examples of loving kindness. 

       I have texted friends to ask for help this week- something that I would have judged myself for before. Reaching out today was still awkward and scary…… but my friends are really amazing people.  They way I’ve been held up and loved even when I feel really  broken has surprised and started to heal me. It’s ok to struggle. It’s not ok to struggle alone. Now I understand that. 

      Healing can look exactly the same as any other day. What is different is how I feel in my daily life. This morning I cooked and cleaned not because I was putting pressure on myself to do enough to be worthy of love.  This morning I enjoyed menial tasks and let my heart focus on who I was wanting to care for by doing them. 

       The muffins get made either way. Now I just feel deep joy and an unexpected happiness on a random Monday. Spontaneous love and joy- not because I earned it- but because I am worthy of love no matter if I bake muffins or not. 💜