And I've Cried

    Where do I begin? Well, for one I've cried all week. My babies are back in school, and they are so happy- but I've cried. My Tater cried a little on the first day, because it was real for her that Turner B wasn't walking her in,  he won't be in school with her again for a long time-  and I cried. I've seen how their little minds are so open and excited but also tired from all the new, all the learning, all the fun and routine of school- and I've cried. 

    I've also noticed how much I need to thank my mom and dad. Babies are amazing, preschool and kindergarten are tender. But sending my very first baby to middle school has undone me- and I've cried. I need to thank my mom and dad for loving me thru all the transitions in my life. I need to thank them for the brave faces that I now find myself putting on.  I learned from them. They were always so happy for new chapters in my life. But now living through it and looking back- I see the cracks in the smiles.  Now I'm in the club.  My heart is being torn out by my kids growing up- and I've cried. All the cliches, all the "God please make time slow down", all the "I'd give anything to go back......"

   I want the life I imagined, but I thank God daily for giving me the one I needed- and I've cried. I thought I'd be the crazy Aunt at my nieces recitals and competitions. Instead I'm the crazy friend at my friends son's football games. I sat and had my heart break for a girl I barely know because she was being picked on for her beautiful hair- so I came home- and I cried. If we are all just trying to survive this crazy, uncertain, wonderful life- why waste words being mean to someone because her hair is different?  Really? That's what kids do now. How do I protect my TNT? I can't keep them from the world. I can't keep them to myself, there is so much wonderful out there. And they are becoming old enough to see it- all of it. The flowers, the different people, the kind gestures of a stranger who holds the door open, the elderly couple who still holds hands. But they see the hateful looks of cowards who fear anything that is different from themselves. They see the news, they hear hate muttered by adults who don't realize they are listening. I can't keep them from it- and I cried. 

     The good thing about having your heart break is that the cracks and tears just become filled in by new friends, new people you think of as family. It forces your heart to grow- but the process hurts. So I'll cry. Next week will be better. I'll make a point to really notice the good. The good kids who sit together and cheer for each other. The good parents who put in the brave  faces with me and love not only our kids but each other's kids too. I'll smile when I see the good in the world. I will try my hardest to smile more, hug more, show up more. I'm going to need "my people", this is a hard journey, thank God we only have to go through it once. Once is good, it's messy, it's not what I planned, it's unexpected, it's awful, it's amazing. And it's Ok if if I cry a little.