A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

      I sit tonight thinking of you.   The radio in your sister's room is playing "A dream is a wish your heart makes".   You would be four now.  You are one of the three wishes my heart made.  I miss you every day, I will never go a day with out thinking about you.  You were a wish I only got to carry for far too short a time but you were mine all the same. 
     I'm not sure about the rules of a miscarriage.  It's a taboo subject.  It becomes a medical term and not a baby lost, but not to me.  I am torn between missing you and rejoicing in your sister who was born only two months after you should have been.  I feel like I shouldn't miss you because I got to have Tate, but I miss you. 
   I've always thought it odd that most OB/GYN's are male.  How can you care for an airplane and instruct a person on how to fly if you've never been in an airplane or flown one is my thinking?  But I give them credit.  They are about the only ones who recognize you.  Every new city brings a new OB/GYN.   A new set of forms, a new list of questions.  The one that trips me up is how many pregnancies have you had?  Not how many children have you had, how many pregnancies.  They count you. 
    I think there are different parts to heaven.  I'm not sure where I'll reside.  I know you and all other like you- untouched and untarnished by the world will be nearest Him.  I will find you.  I will hold you and know you were mine.
    I often get asked where I get all my energy.  I say I have a lot of frustration to work off.  I still haven't figured out if I am running my way toward you trying to catch something that long ago left or if I'm trying to out run the memories of you I never got to have.  You are in the shadow between my son and daughter.  You would have the brown eyes to match mine.   You will always be the late April shower that made way for the flower that is my Tater.   As the song says "In dreams you will loose your heart ache".  You are in my dreams still.  My hear doesn't ache for you in my dreams, it holds you there.