Have you ever noticed how unappealing Christmas lights are in the day time? Tangles of wires, bulbs who's light can't be seen for the sun. But, as sun sets those webs of wire and dim little bulbs transform. They shine, they twinkle, and together they make the night beautiful and full of hope.
Life of late feels like those Christmas lights with a harsh unforgiving light shining on them. I can see all the tangles and I focus on all the ugly. I haven't been able to see the light or feel its warmth. I'm going through a divorce. We are all going through a divorce. I haven't felt much of the holiday spirit yet. I am sad, worried, and exhausted.
For my Turner B. and My Sweet Tater I'm trying to go about all our routines, all of our traditions as best I can. For the past four years we have participated in RACK'd, which stands for Random Acts of Christmas Kindness. I love it because it is ours- The kids get so into it, it helps focus them on something besides the "I wants" of the holiday and helps them think about the "I can give". Every year we have had a family meeting in November and planned out each day - What verse will be included, who we will RACK, what supplies to gather. Each day has been written on the calendar. This year I just haven't been on top of it. There was no meeting in November. Our verses are not written out, our supplies are not gathered. I've felt like my sadness is forcing me to just get by, not flourish. The adjustments of new living arrangements, trying to comfort my children, trying to comfort myself- its taking all of my energy. It feels dark. I feel like I am letting my kids down.
Last weekend I was home alone. Did you know how quiet a house can be when the the two people who hung the moon and the stars aren't in it? I was crying, wallowing in my sadness when my phone rang and it was a fried inviting me to come eat dinner. I said no, I just couldn't pull myself together. She didn't take no for an answer. After another phone call and threats to come physically pick me up I went and had a family meal, without my family. Going places with out my kids feels wrong. Like I just don't fit, half of me is missing. My entire identity is that of Mom. Last weekend I was welcomed with open arms to dinner, and I was with friends who turned into family. They loved me through my tears and a small light pierced the dark.
On December first, at seven at night I thought we wouldn't make our first day to RACK someone. But, sitting in the front seat waiting to be delivered to wrestling practice was my Christmas miracle. Turner and I were talking and he said lets put coins in a vending machine. I actually had a dollar in quarters in my wallet, so we looked for a coke machine on the way to practice. No luck. We did see a news paper machine and decided to use it. I wrote "Go tell it on the mountain, that Jesus Christ is born" on a scrap of paper. We put the coins in the machine and prayed quickly that it would bless the right person. It took a dark moment of doubting myself to see that beautiful sparkling light given to me by my son.
December second came and it was a typical rushed morning, peeling out of the driveway trying to make it to schools on time. My day was full of making orders, sorting through make up, and coffee with a friend. I've been withdrawn. I don't feel like myself so I haven't been as social with my friends. But I had promised to meet for breakfast, so I made myself go. I worry, a lot. I run on caffeine and anxiety. I am pretty good at smiling, but once I'm emotionally exhausted even that becomes hard. Breakfast turned out to be wonderful. All the worry I carry over people passing judgment just slipped away. I sat with my girlfriend and we talked. I needed that, even though I resisted going. Worry shared is burden lifted. My friend took some of my worry off my shoulders, and I saw another tiny shinning light in the dark.
After I had picked the kids up later that day we were in the afternoon swing, homework, snacks, signing papers. I was hurrying to get Tate ready for gymnastics practice. I was upstairs looking for a leotard for her and she yelled "We haven't RACK'd anyone, have we?" I answered no. Truthfully, I was hoping to skip it. I just didn't have it in me to come up with something in the middle of our crazy busy day. Tate flew up the stairs and asked to hurry up and find her a hand lotion. My Sweet Tater is full of energy, but along with her energy there is the deepest most caring heart. I gave her one of the lotions out of my supply. She ran out saying she was RACKing our mailman. Just like that both my kids were out the door, chasing a mail truck. They caught him and told him Merry Christmas, and to keep his hands from getting chapped. I could feel the warmth of the glow of that light that came on to chase away the dark.
God seems to answer the prayers we are too weary to pray. He knows my heart. He sent His Son to save my soul, and He sent my kids and my friends to save me too. Every phone call, every text, every card and message- is a light. Together they chase away the darkness. Even when I just can't talk anymore, having a friend who is willing to just sit beside me lights another bulb. In the brightest and happiest times of my life I wouldn't have been able to see the beauty of all of these lights. Our lives need the dark times, at least mine does. I needed to have the heartbreaking darkness to be able to see each tiny twinkling light. To see each light that has been lit from my children, my parents, my sister, and every friend. All of those lights are beautiful. They are the hope and grace that I needed in this dark time. God sends the Light, even when you aren't strong enough to ask for it. This Christmas I will stand back and bask in the glow of all of the lights my Lord has sent to me. Family, both new and old, friendships that carry me when I am weary, my kids- who refuse to let me fail. My lights are beautiful, I am forever thankful for the dark that let me see just how bright all of my blessings are.
