Life has taken an odd swing at the Currier household in the past two weeks. Brad went to work two weeks ago on a Monday morning, just like normal. I dropped the kids at school and as I was headed to Crossfit Sweetness called me. He said "I'm on my way home, and I'm being sent to work in Kentucky tomorrow." A lovely twenty-four hour notice that my husband was moving to another state, and so goes the life of construction.
I hate separation from my husband. Even when we are arguing and bickering I need him physically close to me. We are ten kids of messed up/co-dependent with each other, and that's just how I like it. In the past twelve years of marriage we have learned how to depend on each other. There's no other family around for hundreds of miles so Sweetness, along with TNT, make up my entire family for ninety-seven percent of the year.
We haven't seen each other in two weeks. I have cried more in the past two weeks than I care to admit. We've been separated when we move for a couple weeks before, but I always know when the separation will be over. This is an open ended engagement. He will stay in Kentucky until another job happens. It's so hard to explain to folks with normal jobs, who've never moved farther than a stone's throw from their parents the how's and whys of this life when I don't know the answers myself.
So, how has life changed? On the outside it hasn't. Our routines are the same, dinner still happens at six, I don't really have any added chores. On the inside it's vastly different. My children are more clingy to me than usual. They need two parents and that need comes out as pulling at me in new ways. My insides are a mess. I'm sad, moody, and hopeless feeling. But I have to keep my outside self on track and normal so the kids feel safe and secure. That, my friend, is exhausting.
I miss having no conversation with Brad, just sitting together and enjoying him playing with my hair. I miss him bringing me a glass of wine on the weekends and making me sit down and relax. I miss cooking his breakfast and his scratchy beard on my forehead for a goodbye kiss every morning. It's all of our seemingly unimportant rituals that I'm missing most. Some things you just can't replicate on the phone.
I am thankful for Face time, it helps some what. Sadly, Brad and I have never been good on the phone. The conversations always feel forced and empty. Just a recall of the days' happenings, no emotional connection. I am hoping we become better at just talking to each other. It seems like it would be so easy, we've been speaking to each other for fifteen years, surely we should have the hang of it by now? I hope we come out of this better at listening, better at bearing our hearts to each other. I hope my loneliness doesn't turn me bitter towards him. This is just hard.
I have awesome friends who have been so sweet and considerate. With out them I probably would have lost my mind already. I'm trying to make myself keep up with being social. Go to lunch, go to church, have the kids' friends over. But it all feels weird with out Sweetness. He's been the only constant in my life for the past twelve years and now there is an empty space at the dinner table, in his chair, and in our bed.
The kids have been fantastic. God knew I couldn't handle much so He blessed me with resilient amazing little people. They are pitching in, they give me hugs, they are putting on the bravest faces. I'm trying to do the things that Sweetness does for them- be fun. I'm not the fun parent. I'm the parent that cleans up the fun when it's over, and that is fine with me. Papa is always building fires and bringing home marshmallows to roast. He's the one who knows what movies are playing, who is always wanting to take the kids to see something new. I am always full of reasons to not sit outside when it's cold, and not wanting to stay out late for a movie.
Today the kids and I having a low key day at home. No friends over, nothing going on. We went to church, had a nice lunch and are chilling out the rest of the day. The problem with this is they want me as their constant companion. There is no one to switch off with. There is no Papa to sit outside and watch them do flips on the trampoline while I get dinner ready. So I'm trying to give them the same amount of attention that they would usually get from two parents. But here is my bad mom confession: listening to them yell, argue, laugh, and scream constantly for two weeks grates my nerves. I have never been able to zone out when noise is involved. I hear and process every word of it. After my daily quota is met I just can't handle anymore talking and noise. Today on our "relaxing day at home I did the best I could. I went and sat with them outside to bear witness to a game they have made up on the trampoline. But I couldn't take anymore unending noise. So, I plugged in my headphones and listened to music so I couldn't hear them. I watched them, with out tuning them out, but I had to not hear them for a little while.
I'm not sure if other mothers have to "not hear" their children for a little while or not? I'm just trying to come up with ways to get through these next few weeks. Maybe headphones and trampoline time are a great combination for us for in this situation. I'm trying to look at my children and let them feel my love through my gaze, but I need moments where the music is louder than my thoughts and their voices. I pray I'm not messing this up. We are all praying daily for a job to start up here so Papa can come home. So he can sit outside and watch the kids bounce. So our dinner table won't have a big empty space. So he can play with my hair and I can feel his nearness. So there isn't an empty spot in every day and in all of our hearts.
I hate separation from my husband. Even when we are arguing and bickering I need him physically close to me. We are ten kids of messed up/co-dependent with each other, and that's just how I like it. In the past twelve years of marriage we have learned how to depend on each other. There's no other family around for hundreds of miles so Sweetness, along with TNT, make up my entire family for ninety-seven percent of the year.
We haven't seen each other in two weeks. I have cried more in the past two weeks than I care to admit. We've been separated when we move for a couple weeks before, but I always know when the separation will be over. This is an open ended engagement. He will stay in Kentucky until another job happens. It's so hard to explain to folks with normal jobs, who've never moved farther than a stone's throw from their parents the how's and whys of this life when I don't know the answers myself.
So, how has life changed? On the outside it hasn't. Our routines are the same, dinner still happens at six, I don't really have any added chores. On the inside it's vastly different. My children are more clingy to me than usual. They need two parents and that need comes out as pulling at me in new ways. My insides are a mess. I'm sad, moody, and hopeless feeling. But I have to keep my outside self on track and normal so the kids feel safe and secure. That, my friend, is exhausting.
I miss having no conversation with Brad, just sitting together and enjoying him playing with my hair. I miss him bringing me a glass of wine on the weekends and making me sit down and relax. I miss cooking his breakfast and his scratchy beard on my forehead for a goodbye kiss every morning. It's all of our seemingly unimportant rituals that I'm missing most. Some things you just can't replicate on the phone.
I am thankful for Face time, it helps some what. Sadly, Brad and I have never been good on the phone. The conversations always feel forced and empty. Just a recall of the days' happenings, no emotional connection. I am hoping we become better at just talking to each other. It seems like it would be so easy, we've been speaking to each other for fifteen years, surely we should have the hang of it by now? I hope we come out of this better at listening, better at bearing our hearts to each other. I hope my loneliness doesn't turn me bitter towards him. This is just hard.
I have awesome friends who have been so sweet and considerate. With out them I probably would have lost my mind already. I'm trying to make myself keep up with being social. Go to lunch, go to church, have the kids' friends over. But it all feels weird with out Sweetness. He's been the only constant in my life for the past twelve years and now there is an empty space at the dinner table, in his chair, and in our bed.
The kids have been fantastic. God knew I couldn't handle much so He blessed me with resilient amazing little people. They are pitching in, they give me hugs, they are putting on the bravest faces. I'm trying to do the things that Sweetness does for them- be fun. I'm not the fun parent. I'm the parent that cleans up the fun when it's over, and that is fine with me. Papa is always building fires and bringing home marshmallows to roast. He's the one who knows what movies are playing, who is always wanting to take the kids to see something new. I am always full of reasons to not sit outside when it's cold, and not wanting to stay out late for a movie.
Today the kids and I having a low key day at home. No friends over, nothing going on. We went to church, had a nice lunch and are chilling out the rest of the day. The problem with this is they want me as their constant companion. There is no one to switch off with. There is no Papa to sit outside and watch them do flips on the trampoline while I get dinner ready. So I'm trying to give them the same amount of attention that they would usually get from two parents. But here is my bad mom confession: listening to them yell, argue, laugh, and scream constantly for two weeks grates my nerves. I have never been able to zone out when noise is involved. I hear and process every word of it. After my daily quota is met I just can't handle anymore talking and noise. Today on our "relaxing day at home I did the best I could. I went and sat with them outside to bear witness to a game they have made up on the trampoline. But I couldn't take anymore unending noise. So, I plugged in my headphones and listened to music so I couldn't hear them. I watched them, with out tuning them out, but I had to not hear them for a little while.
I'm not sure if other mothers have to "not hear" their children for a little while or not? I'm just trying to come up with ways to get through these next few weeks. Maybe headphones and trampoline time are a great combination for us for in this situation. I'm trying to look at my children and let them feel my love through my gaze, but I need moments where the music is louder than my thoughts and their voices. I pray I'm not messing this up. We are all praying daily for a job to start up here so Papa can come home. So he can sit outside and watch the kids bounce. So our dinner table won't have a big empty space. So he can play with my hair and I can feel his nearness. So there isn't an empty spot in every day and in all of our hearts.
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