My kids are riding the bus home from scool today for the very first time. Children all over the world do this every day, so it's fine, right? My endless praying and pacing around, "what if-ing" myself to death is not necessary, right? The bus beats us home every day, their friends all ride on it, they asked to ride home on the bus, so why am I freaking out?!? Easy: I am a control freak who is desperately hanging on to my kids for dear life. Turner and Tate are both the reason for my insanity and the only cure for it. I get driven nuts by them both on a regular basis, but any time they are out of my sight I am a hot worried mess.
Last week Turner had a doctor's appointment right before lunch, since we had an excuse I decided to take him on a date and skip the rest of the school day. Papa came and met us for lunch, we even splurged on desert. Sweetness went back to work and Turner and I had the day to shop together. We went everywhere, got him a new book on the sea and all it's many creatures, some training equipment to use for football, and even went in and had coffee together before picking up Tater. He held my hand, opened my car door and talked to me for four straight hours. No video games, no phones, no noise just me and my boy. He's funny, he loves music because it speaks to his heart and moves to the rhythm of his soul, he thinks of others and is possibly the most curious person I've ever met. To have him or his sister out of my comfort bubble is unbearable.
We have always lived away from family, so no grandpas or grandmas to pick the kids up from school. We move frequently enough that by the time we "make a family" out of our friends, we are telling them goodbye and saying hello to another city. So, every single day the kids and I go through our routines, which are all intertwined together. I don't like new routines, but this to shall pass, right?
It's that time of the job when I am feeling all out of sorts. The job is ending, we have no idea where or when we are going, like a feather floating on the breeze waiting to see where we land. Even though we say it's not stressing us out, it is. Do I start packing? No. Do I start worrying about the kids school year being interrupted? No. We may not move for six more months, so why worry now?
God is constantly trying to show me that I am not in control, but man I am bullheaded and stubborn, so it's a hard lesson to learn. God's also been trying to teach me patience for the past 12 years, but I have been in too much of a hurry to learn it. Brad and I have never known where we are heading, just that we are going where ever it is together.
I am trying so hard to take deep breaths and enjoy this journey. Why worry now? My kids are still little, still sweet, and still innocent. The world has not gotten it's hands on them, yet. My husband and I are still young enough to be healthy and enjoy this great gypsy life. So I'm going to make a cup of coffee, say a prayer that my kids get home safely and keep telling myself it's only a bus. I will worry about something all new tomorrow.
