While posting about my excitement over Turner's first football game tonight I got a comment from a friend: "I love how jacked up you are about Mite League football." This made me stop and think for a second, because I didn't realize there was an alternative to being all jacked up. I am fan full of ferocious joy when it comes to my family. I think I do many things with ferocity, which can be less than good sometimes.
I love Turner and Tate. When I watch them excel at what ever it is they are doing my heart swells and I can barely contain myself. Likewise, when they are fighting or defying me I can barely contain myself. I need to be more patient, but just hang on God because I am not ready to ask for help with that yet. I'm scared of patience. I need more of it , especially trying to parent a six year old son and a four year old daughter. My kids are growing out of the sweet preschool stage and entering full on adolescence. They are more independent than little kids, they have lives that exist outside of my influence. They are smart, curious and both are sometime smart alecks. This is trying my nerves.
Tate is really pushing my buttons lately. She's emotional, whiny and loves to see how mad she can make me. I'm not sure why this game is so fun? I know she's testing boundaries. I volley between waiting to pick her up, hug her and hold her endlessly and trying not to choke her for disobeying me. I realize gaining independence and pushing at boundaries is part of growing up, but it doesn't keep me from pining for when they were both babies. When they needed me, when the sun rose and set around our time cuddling.
Turner is likewise going through his own growing period. He's becoming a little man before my eyes. My sweet mama's boy is slipping away little bits at a time. I'm not allowed to kiss him at school, or around his friends, but he will still hold my hand. He's learning to focus aggression on the football field and even embrace it. Holding back tears when he's been stepped on by a cleat, scratched or bruised, he no longer needs a kiss from me.
Even though my kids were absolute hellions this morning I remain "All jacked up" for Turner's football game tonight. Nothing they ever do will stop me from being their biggest fan. When I see Tate step on to a balance beam, strong and steady I watch her with my heart in my throat. I can't yell and scream for her at gymnastics, but my heart cheers just as loudly for every tumble, just as it does when Turner is on the field. I watch her and see powerful potential wrapped up in such a beautiful little girl. Her head-strong nature will serve her well through out life, it just makes parenting her hard.
Watching Turner toughen up in his first season of football lets me know he'll grow into the kind of man his father is. I love watching him block, tackle, run, and even when he gets laid out by another player I know he's learning from it. Thank goodness football lets me let out some of what is pent up inside me. After his first scrimmage and the jamboree he told me he can always hear me cheering for him. I asked if that was OK with him or embarrassing? He said that I can always cheer for him. I want to cheer for both of my children so much now that it will stick in their heads for when I am not around. When they are adults and doubting themselves I want them to hear me telling them how great they are, what wonderful people I know they are.
So for tonight I'm dressed in blue and white, from my shirt to my fingernails and toenails. My cowbell is painted and ready. I will have three cameras ready to shoot. And most of all I will be all jacked up for the game. Truth be told I've been all jacked up for each of my kids since the minute they were born. I've waited six and half years for Turner to be old enough to play a sport that embraces insane loud fans. I couldn't wait one more minute. I've screamed at the soccer field, I've cheered as he rounded bases headed for home, but tonight I get to let it all out and get ALL JACKED UP!
